I’m so grateful to Christ Jesus for making me adequate to do this work. He went out on a limb, you know, in trusting me with this ministry. The only credentials I brought to it were invective and witch hunts and arrogance. But I was treated mercifully because I didn’t know what I was doing—didn’t know Who I was doing it against! Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus. (1 Timothy 1:12-14 MSG)
I too can say along with Paul (Saul) that in my unbelief I didn’t know, yet I was 13 when I met Jesus at the altar, one night at camp service. Since then, even though I was quote, unquote a Christian, saved and baptized I was still finding myself in sinful arenas and wondering how I got there. I did know but didn’t apply it. I can honestly say, as I exit the 50’s there is much ado in my life on the topic, ‘What have I done in my life to benefit and glorify God?’
Having just had an idol revealed to me by the Holy Spirit, I am again contemplating how to remove it and keep it gone! When I sing the song line that says, nothing I desire compares to you, Lord, I am not so sure anymore.
I knew I was going to be a mother, I just knew as well as all the other little girls that grow up in America and believe that way. God had other plans, as well as that some of my choices influenced that aspect of my life of that I am sure. I was angry at God for years! Then I realized that wasn’t going to work because He can out wait me and my anger. I didn’t want to die in anger and futility.
Unknowingly, I set myself up as a second class citizen because I couldn’t have children and live my dream. Therefore, I was not “whatever I thought in my subconscious” worthy. I refused the scripture that says I am whole and worthy by grace thru Jesus and the blood he shed! My desire was set upon a pedestal and ruled my life!
Oh, the shame and the regret! I was humbled to say the least. For days I cried, sometimes out loud sometimes in my very soul. My lamentations to God were dreadful as I mourned for what had never been and shall never be. I lamented all the years wasted worshipping that which I could not have. I may as well have remained angry at God, and may have been and convinced self I wasn’t. Oh, for the love of Jesus and his grace, mercy, forgiveness, and all those other attributes that bring us to Him. Without them I would be so dead. Dead in sorrow, pity, anger, bitterness, living in defiance of the first commandment- thou shalt have no other gods before me. Exodus 20:3.
Just as Paul did a complete turn about (in 3 days, because God made him blind. What else is there to look at in the darkness but God) I am working along with the Holy Spirit within and Jesus beside me to make a complete turnabout.
Thus, no longer lamenting what I have not done for God and the ministry, and the loss of my forever dream, I am looking at what is in store for me in the ministry. Who are the women I shall have the privilege of sharing with in the ministry I am called to for the kingdom?
Hooray, for the love of God, and the shed blood of his only beloved son. If he can give up his only begotten surely I can give up my not begotten.
Free at last, free at last. May it be ever so true. Selah.